I’d rather have the pain than the nausea

I know that I said this. I really did. But wow! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Friday night I was getting a little stiff-necked as usual.  That usually is bad on Saturday, and eases upon Sunday, gone by Monday. I woke Saturday thinking maybe I’d slept through the worst of it. I spent a little time sitting at the counter at my computer and suddenly realized that my elbow was raw. From barely leaning on it at the counter for a little while. Ugh! It peeled a dime-sized piece of skin off like a blister.

As the day progressed I got more and more sore. This time, not just muscles in my neck, jaw, and back, but deep shocking spasms of pain in my joints and bones. Mostly my hips, knees, and ankles. I have been hobbling around for the last two days, barely able to walk. I can’t sit, stand, or lay in any position for more than a minute or two without being rocked by sharp pains that jerk from my joints into my leg bones. I only slept last night for an hour or so before waking in such pain, without any position to turn to that didn’t hurt. 😦  I ended up coming upstairs to get the heating pad and tried sleeping on the couch with it. I tried the old ‘pillow between the knees’ pregnancy trick. I tried ibuprofen and tylenol. I switched sides, I switched pillows, I switched couches. I tried lying flat on my back, then all scrunched up, and in between. I even tried sleeping sitting up. I am not ashamed to say I lay there sobbing the rest of the night. 😦

Today was no better. I had hoped it would ease up some, but no luck. Before Tim and the kids left for church, he took the cover off the hot tub so I could soak in it while they were gone. I sat on the deck for a while first, hanging out with Zeus (the dog). I thought it would be a nice pleasant time for him and for me to enjoy the morning… I was thinking to myself- gosh I am so tired I could fall asleep if I just didn’t hurt so bad. I thought if I went into the hot tub and fell asleep, maybe I’d end up drowning accidentally. I had leaned back in the chair for a moment and closed my eyes. Then I heard a splash. Yes, Zeus had fallen into the pool. In the deep end. Where I couldn’t reach him. He was panicked, and so was I. The solar cover was stlll on, so there was no room for him to swim and he had simply hooked both front feet up over the edge of the pool and hung there.

I ran to the upper deck to try to grab his collar and pull him forward enough that he could get his feet up onto the deck, but he’d fallen far enough over that I couldn’t reach him very well. I then ran over to get off the deck and around the pool to reach him from the outside. But of course, I’m too short to get a good grip on him, and had no strength due to the chemo to reach up and over the edge of the pool to get to his back feet. So I pushed him over as far as I could towards the edge of the deck (his front paws clinging tightly to the metal edge of the pool as tightly as he could), then ran back onto the deck to try to pull him up. He’d slipped back down into the pool a little, but I was finally able to pull him up onto the deck. We both lay on the deck, soaking wet, and panted for a few minutes to recover. 😦

There were a few moments when I was trying to get him out where I honestly did not think I had the strength to continue. I was certain he would drown. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t have jumped into the pool, clothes and all, to try to get him to let go of the wall so I could pull him into the shallow end where the ladder is. But I am not certain how well I would have fared if he’d fought me from fear.  I am so weak that it’s pitiful. When I finally recovered from the shock and could breathe again, I looked into the pool and realized he’d gouged two holes in the pool liner where he’d been digging wiith his back legs to try to get out. I cried. And cried. And cried.

Then, once I’d rested a bit, the adrenaline faded and the pain in my hips and legs came back into sharp focus. I decided I would soak in the hot tub for the heat and the weightlessness to try to relieve some of the pain. It had really helped for a while yesterday. When I put my foot in, I realized that it was extremely hot. Somehow the temperature knob had gotten turned as far as it could go to ‘Hot’. It was over 112 degrees. I put my feet in but it was so hot, I couldn’t soak in it to relieve my pain. I cried some more.

I had tried to call my doctor to see if they could prescribe pain meds, but no luck. They said they couldn’t do anything for me until the clinic opened tomorrow. The on-call doc said to use ibuprofen and tylenol, which I’d obviously already tried without relief, and if it got too bad to go to the ER, where they could prescribe something. 😦 So, here I am at bedtime with the same miserable pain tonight.:( Andy and Chris rubbed my back for a few minutes before bedtime. Reagan rubbed my legs, just like she did last night. They offered all on their own 🙂

Tim was able to patch the holes in the pool liner fairly easily. My babies are trying to take care of me. And I don’t have any nausea. 🙂  Life is still good, right?

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6 thoughts on “I’d rather have the pain than the nausea

  1. Gina, i’ve been reading your posts faithfully, and am thinking of you every day as you continue your journey. I can say I honestly know how you are feeling, as my chemo regimen was the same drugs as you’ve indicated, but 20 years ago the protocol was surgery first, then chemo, then radiation, followed by 5 years of Tamoxifen (daily pill). I am so happy the drugs are doing their job and shrinking your tumor! I vividly remember the physical and emotional reactions to the adriamyacin and cytoxan, and for me the taxol was the biggest challenge. By day two and three, I could not stand or walk as the neuropathy in my feet was incredible (and painful). Had to crawl to get to the bathroom, and crying all the way. I tell you this only to support your courage and strength to get through the rounds of taxol, and I know you will be celebrating life after cancer for many years to come – I’m celebrating 20 years on December 1st. I clearly remember the breast surgeon’s nurse telling me the day of surgery that she was a 20 year survivor, and to me, at that moment, I prayed to reach that mark while hardly being able to cope with the diagnosis so recently given to me. But, here I am, and I look forward to celebrating your 20 year cancer free mark with you!!! Keep up the good fight sweetie!! Looking forward to our lunch on the 12th – see you then 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If only we could be patched up as easily as a pool liner!! Gina, I’m so sorry you have to endure this pain. I would give just about anything if chemo and radiation could be made more benign – I pray for your endurance through this journey. Also, I’ve put your name in our Book of Prayers at St. John’s Student Center, so you’re prayed for by our community at every liturgy. Your children are such a blessing for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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